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Abraham LincolnStinkin 
Acker BilkMilkWould you like Acker in your coffee?
Adam and EveBelieveI don't Adam and Eve it! [Usually full slang expression is used]
Adam AntPantsGet your adam's on
Adrian QuistPissed 
Airs and GracesFaces 
Airs and GracesBracesHe's got his new airs on.
Alan MinterSplinterPicked up this wood and got a terrible Alan in me finger.
Alan WhickersKnickersThe 'lastics gone in me alans.
Alderman's NailTailHe's always wagging his alderman's.
Ali McGrawStraw 
All Night RaveShave 
All Time LoserBoozer 
Allan BorderOut of OrderHe's bang Allan. used when someone does something to another person that is not looked upon favourably.
Almond RocksSocksWouldn't it be nice if your almonds matched?
Ancient GreekReek 
Andy CainRain 
Anna MariaFire  
Anneka RiceIce 
'appeny dipShip 
Apple CoreScore (£20)I gave me last apple to that old paraffin.
Apple FritterBitter (beer)I've tried that new apple but I prefer my salmon [Salmon and trout - stout].
Apple TartFart 
Apples and PearsStairsGet yourself up the apples.
April foolStool  
April FoolsFootball Pools 
April ShowersFlowersI forgot it was my anniversary, so I picked some aprils on the way home.
Are you George?Are you sure? 
AristotleBottleIf you want milk, put the Ari on the doorstep.
Army and NavyGravyCan I have some army for my mashed?
Arnold PalmerFarmer (see usage)e's a right Arnold. I love this one - it refers to a golfer who spends a lot of time in the long grass around a course
Artful DodgerLodgerShe's taken in an artful to help pay the way.
Arthur AsheCashThat blokes not short of Arthur
Arthur BlissPissI'm just popping out for an Arthur.
Arthur ScargillGargle (drunk)e's right Authur'd
Ascot RacesBraces 
Aunt NellSmellHe don't half Aunt Nell
Auntie AnnieFannyShe's just sitting at home on her Auntie Annie
Auntie DotHot 
Auntie EllaUmbrellaWonderful - it's starting to rain and me without my Auntie Ella.
Auntie LilySilly 
Auntie NellieBellyI punched him in the Auntie but he didn't even notice.
Ayrton SennaTennerere, lend us an aryton me old china. Ayrton Senna was a Formula One driver

Babbling BrookCrookHe's always on the babble. Planning something crooked.
Babbling BrookCookMy missus couldn't babble to save her life. See also Crook.
Bacon and EggsLegsLovely set of bacons.
Bacon RindBlindAre you completely bacon?
Bacon SarniePakistaniThey've hired a new bloke at the shop - he's a bacon.
Bag of FruitSuit 
Bag of SandGrandHe owes me a bag.
Bag of YeastPriest 
Baked BeanQueen (Elizabeth II) 
Baked PotatoLaterI'll see ya baked.
Baker's DozenCousin 
Bale of HayGayDon't bother Britany - he's bale.
Bale of StrawRaw 
Ball of ChalkWalkAfter a heavy meal I like quick ball round the square.
Balloon CarSaloon BarI'll be at the balloon.
Band of HopeSoap 
Bangers and MashCashI knew his cheques were dodgy, so I got him to pay me in bangers.
Barclays BankWankHe's having a barclays.
Barn OwlRow (argument)Went up to the dole office. 'Ad a bit of a barney with the geezer behind the desk.
Barnaby RudgeJudgeI'm up in front of the Barnaby tomorrow morning.
Barnet FairHairShe must be going out - she's got her Barnet done.
Barney MarlinM'Darlin 
Barney RubbleTroubleStay away from him. He's really Barney.
Barry CrockerShocker 
Barry McguiganBiggun (big one) 
Barry WhiteShite (shit)I need a Barry White.
Basil FawltyBalti 
Basil Fawlty40 
Basin of GravyBaby 
Bat and WicketTicketI've got a bat for tonight's train.
Battle CruiserBoozer (liquor store)I've got to get to the battle before I go to the party.
Battle of WaterlooStew 
Beans on ToastEvening PostGo and buy the beans on toast will you son.
bear's pawSaw  
Beecham's PillBill (statement)I got my Beecham's from the tax people.
Beecham's PillStill  
Bees and HoneyMoneyCan't go in there without any bees.
Bee's KneesBusiness 
beggar my neighbourLabour  
Ben CartwrightShite 
Bended KneesCheese 
Bengal LancerChancer (not qualified)News paper adds would state no bengal lancers when advertising for tradesmen.
Benny HillsPills 
Bernard MatthewQueue 
Bernie FlintSkint 
Bernie WinterPrinter 
Betty GrableTable 
Bexley HeathTeeth 
Biffo the BearHairMe biffo's not looking the best today.
Big BenTen 
Big DippersSlippers 
Bill MurrayCurry 
Billie JeanClean 
Billie PiperWindshield Wiper 
Billies BunterPunters 
Billy GoatThroatI've got a sore billy goat.
Bin LidQuid 
Bird LimeTimeWhat's the bird?
Bird's NestChestI had to punch him in the bird's nest.
Biscuit and CookieRookie 
Biscuit TinChinHe's got a big biscuit.
Biscuits and CheeseKneesI've been on my biscuits all day.
bladder of lardCard  
Blood RedHeadShe likes to give blood.
Blushing BrideGirl Guide 
Bo DiddleyKidneyMe bo's are giving me gyp.
Boat RaceFaceNice legs, shame about the boat. Also a good song by The Monks.
Bob1 Shilling (5 pence) 
Bob CryerLiarShut up you Bob - yer talking out yer aris.
Bob HopeDope (marijuana)I think he's been smoking a bit of Bob Hope.
Bob HopeSoap 
Bob McNabCab 
Bob SquashWash 
Bobble HatLaugh 
Bobby & DickSick 
Bobby MooreSure 
Bobby MooreScoreYou know the Bobby. Bobby Moore was a great footballer who died in 1993.
Boiler HouseSpouseMe boiler's always yammerin' on.
Bonney FairHairShe's got beautiful shiny bonney.
Boom and MizzenPrisone's off to the boom for a bit.
Bo-PeepSleepWhat I need is a good bo-peep.
Borassic LintSkint (broke)He's right boric.
Boris KarloffCoughThat's a nasty old boris you've got there son.
Boris the BoldCold 
Born and BredBed 
Bottle and GlassArseI gave him a good kick up the bottle.
Bottle and GlassClass 
Bottle and StopperCopper (Police Officer) 
Bottle of bassGas 
Bottle of Glue2 
Bottle of porterDaughter 
Bottle of SauceHorse 
Bottles and StoppersCoppers (police)Blimey - I think the bottles are on to me!
Boutrous GaliCharlie (cocaine) 
Bow and ArrowSparrowLittle bow and arrow fell out of the nest. Usually the full slang expression is used.
Bow and ArrowBarrow 
Bow and ArrowsFarrahs (trousers)Nice pair of bow and arrows. Use your best Cockney accent here.
Bowl of FruitSuitAre you wearing your bowl of fruit tonight?
Bowler HatChatLet's get together for a bowler.
Box of ToysNoiseHold your box - they can hear you miles away!
Brace and BitsTits (breasts)Blimey - what a brace!
Brad PittShitI right need a Brad Pitt.
Brahms and LisztPissed (drunk)He's well Brahms and Liszt , don't give him any more to drink.
Brass TacksFactsEre, you've got your brass wrong!
Bread & JamVan 
Bread and ButterGutterFound him laying in the bread and butter. Usually full slang expression is used.
Bread and CheeseSneezeI hate allergies - one good bread after another.
Bread and HoneyMoneyLet's drink with him - he's got bread. This one has enjoyed very common usage.
Bread knifeWife 
Brenda LeeKeyWhere's me brenda's?
Brian CloughRough 
Bricks and MortarDaughter 
Brigham YoungTongue 
Bright and BreezyEasy 
Brighton PierQueer (homosexual)That blokes a bit of a Brighton.
Briney MarlinDarlin'You look lovely tonight, me old briney.
Bristol CitiesTitties (breasts)She's got a lovely pair of Bristols.
Bristol PistolBrassiere 
British RailMail 
Brittney SpearsBeersow about a Brittney?
Brixton RiotDiet 
Bromley by bow'sToes 
Brown BreadDeadI'm telling you, mate. He's brown bread
Bruce Lee'sKeysHave you seen me brucies?
Brussel SproutShout 
Brussel SproutsScoutsHe's always been a brussel.
Bubble and SqueakGreekE's not a bad bloke for a bubble.
Bubble and SqueakWeek 
Bubble BathLaughYou're 'avin a bubble aren't ya?
Bucket and PailJailOne drink too many and I get seven days in the bucket.
Bugs BunnyMoneyI've got some Bugs bunny in me sky rocket and I'm off down the rub-a-dub-dub.
Bull and CowRow (argument)Had a right bull with my misses last night.
Bullock's HornPawn (as in-pawn) 
Bungle & ZippyNippy 
Burnt CinderWindowClose the bloody burnt. This works if you mispronounce window... winda - and cinder... cinda as any good Englishman would.
Burton on TrentRentThey've raised my burton again.
Bushel and PeckNeckHe's got a bushel like tree trunk.
Bushey ParkJoke  
Bushey ParkLark  
Buster KeatonMeetin' (meeting)We'll see you at the Buster.
Butcher's HookLookHere - take a butcher's at this.

Cab RankBankI won't be long - just going to the cab rank.
Cadbury's (snack)Back 
Cain and AbelTableSit yourself at the cain and I'll bring you your Tommy (Tommy Tucker - supper).
Calvin Klein9 
Calvin KleinFineI'm calvin today.
Cambridge and OxfordUgly Face 
Camel's HumpDump (shit)Just going for a quick camels.
Can of OilBoile'd be nice looking once his canov's clear up.
Canal boatTote  
CanaryFairy (Gay) 
Candle WaxTax 
Cape of Good HopeSoapGo wash yourself - and use the cape.
Captain CookLook 
Captain HookBookI've read this captain.
Captain KirkWork 
Cardboard BoxPox 
Carpet PileSmile 
Cash and CarriedMarriedPoor bloke got cashed on the weekend.
Cat and CagesWages 
Cat and DogBog (Toilet) 
Cat and MouseHouseWent 'round to his cat to wake him up.
Chalfont St GilesPiles (hemorrhoids)Me chalfonts are playing up.
Chalk FarmArmHe broke his chalk.
Charing CrossHorse 
Charlie BrownClown 
Charlie ChanTan 
Charlie DickenChicken 
Charlie NashSlash 
Charlie PrideRide 
Charlie RoncePonce 
Chas and DaveShaveI'm off for a chas.
Cheerful GiverLiverLovely - cheerful for dinner tonight.
Cheese & HamScram 
Cheese & KissesMissus 
Cheese and RiceJesus Christ 
Cheese GratterRaver 
Cheese rindFour of a Kind 
Cheesy QuaverFavourDo us a cheesy, put it on your web site.
Chelsea PierQueer 
Cheltenham BoldCold 
ChequeGregory PeckI never 'ad any bread on me, so I 'ad to pay by Gregory.
Cherry HoggDogMy bloody cherry is off again.
Cherry RipePipe 
Chevy ChaseFaceShe's got a lovely Chevy Chase.
Chicken & Hen10 
Chicken and RiceNice 
Chicken OrientalMental (crazy)It was chicken oriental down the nuclear on Friday night.
China PlateMateHow are you, my old china?
Chinese BlindMindYou're out of you little chinese mate.
Chips & PeasKnees 
Chitty Chitty Bang BangCockney Rhyming SlangWe're talking about chitty chitty on this web site.
Chocolate FudgeJudge 
Christian SlaterLaterSee you Christian Slater.
Christmas crackeredKnackered 
Church BoysCustoms & Excise 
Cilla BlackBack 
Cilla BlackLateYou're a bit Cilla today, mate.
Claire RaynersTrainers (running shoes)I've got me new Claire Rayners on. Claire Rayner is an author.
Claret (red wine)Blood 
Clement FreudhemorrhoidOooh, me clements!
clickety clickSixty-six  
Clothes PegEgg 
Coals and CokeBroke 
Coat HangerClanger (mistake)He dropped a coat. A clanger is when you really put your foot in it.
Cock and HenTenI didn't get much change back from a cock
cock linnetMinute  
Cock SparrowBarrowHe's wheeling his cock 'round the market.
Cockle and MussellsBrussells (sprouts) 
Colonel GadaffiCafe 
Comedy DaveRave (dance)You coming to the comedy? Comedy Dave is a Radio 1 DJ
Comic CutsGuts 
Conan DoyleBoil
Constantino RoccaShockerPlayed a round of golf yesterday - had a complete Constantino.
Corn on the CobJobe can't afford it - 'e ain't got a corn
Cough and DragFag (cigarette)I'm going out for a quick cough and drag
Council GritterShitter (rectum)When I sat down there was a pin on my chair! Right up the council gritter!
Country cousinDozen  
Cow and CalfHalf (a pint)I could use a cow and calf.
Cows CalfLaughYour having a cows calf, ain't you
Cream cookiesBookies 
Cream CrackeredKnackered (tired)I'm cream crackered, mate.
Crosby, Stills, NashCashThat blokes not short of Crosby
Crown JewelsTools 
Crust of BreadHeadUse your crust, mate.
Cuddle and KissMissShe's a cute little cuddle.
Currant BunSonHe's awfully proud of his currant.
Current BunNunMy meanest teachers were currents
Current BunSunOld current bun's out today
Custard and JellyTelly (TV)As usual, nothing on the custard tonight.
Cuts and ScratchesMatchesDo you have any cuts?

Daffy Down DillySillye's a bit daffy. Daffy Down Dilly is a line of dolls from Madam Alexander.
Daft and BarmyArmyHe was promoted in the daft.
Daily MailTale  
Daisy RootsBootsYou can't go out in the rain without your daisies.
Dame Judy DenchStenchA right Dame Judy in here
Dancing BearsStairsGet yerself up the dancing bears
Dancing FleasKeys 
Daniel BooneSpoonPass me a daniel
Danny La RueClueHe ain't got a danny.
Danny MarrCar (flash one) 
Darby and JoanMoan 
Darling DaughterWater 
Darren GoughCoughThis Darren is killing me pants and vest Darren Gough is one heck of a cricketer.
David BoonSpoonPass me that David Boon. David Boon is an Australian cricketer
David BowieBlowy (Windy) 
David GowerShowerI'd just got out of the David Gower. David Gower is an English cricketer
David GowersTowers 
David MellorsStellas (beers) 
Day's Work100 
Dead HorseSaucePass the dead horse
Dead LossBoss 
Dead RossTomato Sauce 
Deaf and DumbBum 
Deep Sea DiverFiver 
Deep sea gliderCider 
Dental FlosserTosser 
Derby KellyBellyThat's the stuff for you Derby Kell; makes you fit and it makes you well.
Desmond HackettJacket 
Desmond Tutu2:2 (lower second class degree)He's got his Desmond
Desperate DanSuntan 
Desperate DansCans (headphones)ere - put your desperates on
Dick Van DykeBike 
Dickory DockClockWhat's the time on the dickory?
Dicky BirdWordHe left without so much as a dicky.
Dicky DirtShirtPut your dicky dirt on before the company gets here.
Dig in the GraveShaveA quick shower and dig and I'll be ready to go.
Ding DongSongEveryone gather round the piano for a ding dong.
Ding Dong BellHell 
Dinky DoTwenty-two  
Dinky DoosShoes 
Dirty Den10 
Dixie DeansJeans 
Do me GoodWood  
Doctor CrippenDripping  
Doctor DreGay (homosexual)E's a bit of a doctor. Dr. Dre is a rap artist
Dog and BonePhoneShe's always on the dog.
Dog's EyeMeat Pie 
Dog's KnobJobMe new motor is just the dog's knob
Dolly DimpleSimpleShe's a bit Dolly Dimple
Dolly MixturesPictures 
Donald DuckLuckHow's your Donald?
Donald PeersEars 
Donald TrumpDump (shit)I've got to go for a donald
Donkey RidesStrides (trousers)He's wearing black donkeys
Donkey's EarsYearsAin't seen you in donkeys mate.
Dorothy Dicks6 
Dorothy SquiresTyres 
Dot and DashCash 
Dot CottonRotten 
Doug McClureWhore 
Douglas HurdTurd (shit)I need to dump a Douglas . Douglas Hurd is a politician.
Dover HarbourBarberI'm off to Dover to get me barnet sorted
Down the DrainsBrains 
D'Oyly CarteFartHave you done a d'oyly? D'Oyly Carte is a light opera company
Drip DryCry 
Drum and BassFace 
Drum and FifeKnife 
Drum RollHoleLet's pop 'round to my drum (referring to someone's house).
Drummond and RoceKnife and Fork 
Duane EddiesReadies (cash) 
Duchess of FifeWifeNow my old dutch, where are we off to tonight?
Duchess of TeckCheque 
Duck and DiveSkive 
Duck's ArseGrass (Informant) 
Dudley Moore'sSores 
Duke of ArgylesPiles 
Duke of KentRentI can't afford to pay the Duke of Kent this week
Duke of YorkChalk 
Duke of YorkForkKeep your fingers out of your grub, man. Use a duke
Duke Of YorkCork  
Dunlop TyreLiar'e's a bit of a dunlop
Dustbin LidsKidsA nice girl but too many dustbin's.
Dustins HoffmanRothmans 

Ear'ole (Ear Hole)Dole (welfare)If I get the tin tack I'm going on the ear'ole
Early HourFlower 
Eartha KittShitI'm going for an Eartha
Eartha KittsTits (breasts)Nice Eartha's
East and WestVest 
East HamMad 
East WestBreast'ave a look at her easts
Easy RiderCiderPint of Easy Rider please
Eau de colognePhone 
Eddie GrundiesUndies 
Edgar Alan PoeTow 
Edinburgh FringeMinge 
Edna EverageBeverageWould you like an Edna? Edna Everage (aka Dame Edna) is a star, darling!
Edward HeathTeethHe got smacked in the Edwards. Edward Heath was PM in the early 1970's
Egg YolkJoke 
Eiffel TowerShower 
Eighteen PenceSense 
Elephant and CastleArsehole 
Elephant's TrunkDrunkHe shouldn't be driving! He's bloody elephant's.
Elliot NessMessMy drum's a right Elliot
Elsie TannerSpanner (wrench)Can I borrow your elsie
Elsie TannerPlanner 
Emma FreudsHemorrhoidsMe Emma's are playing me up. Emma is a BBC DJ on Radio 1
Ernie MarshGrass 
Errol FlynnChin 
Euan BlairLeicester SquareWe're getting off the train at Euan Blair station
Evening BreezeCheese 
Everton ToffeeCoffeeI'll have an everton
Eyes of BlueTrue 

Fainting FitsTits (breasts)Wouldn't mind getting me germans on her faintings
Faith and HopeSoapWhere's the faith and hope, I wanna wash me 'ands
Falun GongWrongIt seems to have all gone a bit falun gong.
Family TreeLavatory 
Fanny BlairHair 
Fanny CraddockHaddock 
Fanny HillPill (Contraceptive) 
Far EastPriest 
Farmer GilesPiles (hemorrhoids)Blimey, I ain't 'alf suffering from me farmers
Farmer's DaughterQuarter 
Fat and SkinnyMini 
Fat and WideBride 
Fatboy SlimGymI'm going down to the fatboy .Fatboy Slim is a recording artist
Father TedDead 
Fibre of your fabricLoot (money)C'mon, let me feel the fibre of your fabric. fabric=>suit=>loot]
Fiddle De DeePee / Wee 
Field of WheatStreetHe out standing in the field, waiting for a bus.
Fine and DandyBrandyA small drop of fine would suit me.
Finger and ThumbRum 
Finlay QuayeGay (homosexual)That boozer is Finlay ub .Finlay Quaye is a musician
Finsbury ParkMark 
Fireman's HoseNoseLook at the size of his fireman's
First Aid KitsTits 
Fish and ChipsTips (Gratuities) 
Fish HookBookI've read the new fish by Deighton.
Fisherman's DaughterWater 
Five to TwoJewIf you're a fiver then today's your Sabbath.
Flight Lieutenant BigglesGiggles 
Flowers and FrolicsBollocks 
Flowery DellCellI've got three more years in this flower.
Foot pumpDump 
Fore and AftDaft 
Fork and KnifeWife 
Forrest GumpDump (shit)"Off out in 10 minutes?" "Yeah, just got to have a Forrest first".
Forsythe SagaLagerMines a forsythe
Four by TwoJewHe's not from around here - he's a four.
Four SeasonsReasons 
Four WheelerSheila 
Francis DrakesBrakes 
Frank BoughOff 
Frankie HowardCoward 
Frankie VaughanPornIs there any Frankie on the telly tonight?
Frankie VaughanPrawn 
Fred AstaireHair 
Fred McMurraysWorries 
French KissPiss (Urinate) 
Friar TuckLuckE always had a bit of friar tuck.
Fridge FreezerGeezer 
Frog and ToadRoadDon't ride your bike on the frog. See Road => Kermit
Front DoorBore 
Front Wheel SkidYid (Jew)He's a front wheel.
Fruit GumChumHow yer doing, my old fruit
Frying PanFan 

Gamma RayStrayThat Mary's a bit of a gamma
Gang and MobGob (mouth)He's got a big gang
Garden Gate8 
Garden GateMagistrate  
Garden GateLate 
Garden GateMate 
Gary AbbletsTablets (Ecstasy) 
Gary GlitterBitter (beer)Give us a pint of gary
Gary GlitterShitter (rectum)He kicked him right up the Gary
Gary PlayerAll Dayer (all day drinking)Let's make it a Gary Player
Gates of RomeHome 
Gay & HeartyParty 
Gay and FriskyWhiskyI'll have a gay and I'm off. Be careful where you use this
Gay GordonParking Warden 
General ElectionErection 
Geoff HurstBurst (urinate)I'm dying for a Geoff.
Geoff HurstThirstI've got a Geoff on tonight.
Geoffrey ChaucerSaucer 
George and ZippyNippy (cold)It's a bit George.
George Bernard ShawDoor 
George BestChest(In football) Over 'ere son, on me Georgie . George Best is a famous footballer
George MartinFarting 
George RaftDraftThere's a bit of a george in here.
Georgie BestsBreasts 
Georgio ArmaniSarnie (Sandwich) 
German BandsHandsGet your germans off my missus.
Gertie GitanaBananaI like a gertie on my cereal .Possibly an old music hall star
Giggle and TitterBitter (beer)ere. I could use a giggle.
Gin and TonicSupersonic 
Ginger AleJaile's doing time in the ginger.
Ginger BeerEngineerHe knows his stuff. He is a ginger, after all.
Ginger BeerQueer (odd)I don't know about that - sounds a bit ginger.
Gipsy's WarningMorning 
GiraffeLaughYou're havin' a giraffe, mate.
Girls and BoysNoise 
Glasgow RangerStranger 
Glass of PlonkConk (Nose) 
Glass of WaterQuarter 
Glenn HoddleDoddle (easy or straight forward)That jobs a Glen Hoddle.
Gloria GaynorsTrainers (running shoes)That's a nice pair of Gloria's
GobstopperChopper (Penis) 
God ForbidsKidsCouldn't hear a thing 'cause of all the Godfor's.
Gold WatchScotch (Whisky)E enjoys his gold watch
Goldie Locks (Goldies)Socks 
Goose's NeckChequeHe stuck me with a bouncing goose.
Gordon & GotchWatch  
Grass in the ParkNark 
GrasshopperCopper (police)He got nabbed by the grasshoppers.
Gravel and gritShit 
Gravy lumpsDumps 
Grease and GrimeTime 
Green eggs and hamExam 
GreengagesWagesI've blown the greengages down at the dogs
Gregory PeckChequeI never 'ad any bread on me, so I 'ad to pay by Gregory.
Gregory PeckSpecs (spectacles)Where's me gregs
Gregory PeckNeckWind you Gregory in
Gypsy NellHellMy knee is giving me gyp today.
Gypsy's KissPissBlimey - no more beer till I've 'ad a gypsy's.

Habitual KnitterBitter 
Haddock and BloaterMotor (car)I've gone and locked me keys in the haddock
Hair GelBell 
Hairy kneesPlease 
Hairy NipsChips 
Half a GrossDose 
Half InchPinch (steal)Someone's half-inched me pint!
Half inchedPinched 
Half Past ThreeTeaWhere's me bleeding cuppa arf past?
Ham and CheesyEasy 
Ham and EggsLegs 
Ham ShankBank 
Ham ShanksYanks 
Hammer and TackBackOoh! Me 'ammer and tack's playing me up again.
Hampden RoarScoreYou know the hampden.
Hampstead HeathTeethHis hampsteads (hamps) are a crime.
Hampton WickPrickHe gets on my wick. Don't even try to understand this one - just accept it
Hank MarvinStarvin'I'm bloody Hank Marvin. I haven't eaten all day.
Hansel and GretelKettle 
Harold Wilson'sStilsons (Pipe Wrenches) 
Harris TweedWeed 
Harry BashCash 
Harry DashFlash (natty)e was alway a bit of an 'arry
Harry KewellCool 
Harry LimeTimeWhat's the Harry Lime? Harry Lime is a character in 'The Third Man'
Harry LinChin 
Harry NashCashThere's a discount if you're paying Harry Nash.
Harry RagFag (cigarette)Have you got a harry? I don't know who or what a "Harry Rag is. If you know please tell me.
Harry RandallCandleLook at all the Harry's on his cake.
Harry WraggFag (cigarette)Have you got a harry?
Harvey NicholPickle  
Hat RackBack 
Hay StackBack 
Heap of CokeBloke 
Hearts of OakBroke (financial)I'm skint mate. Bleedin' hearts.
Hedge and DitchPitch (Stall or Stand) 
Henry MooreDoorThey broke the 'enry down at number thirty two
Here and thereChair 
Herring bonePhone 
Hey Diddle DiddleMiddle 
Hide and SeekCheekHe kissed me on my hide and seek
Highland FlingRing 
Hillman HuntersPunters 
Hit and MissPissI've got to have a hit before we go out.
hit and missKiss  
Hobsons ChoiceVoice 
Holly HoxPox 
Holy FriarLiar'e's a bit of a holy friar
Holy GhostToastHow about another round of 'oly.
Holy GhostRacing Post 
Hopping PotLot (Serving or share)That's your hopping mate. Meaning, that's all you get.
Horace BatchelorSpatula 
Horse and CartFartHave you just horse & carted?
Horse and CartHeart 
Hot Cross BunNun 
Hot Cross BunSon 
Hotpoint FridgeSevern Bridge 
House to LetBet 
Housemaid's KneeSea 
How d'you DoShoe 
How's your father?Lather 
Hum & SongPong (smell) 

I SupposeNoseThat rotten drunk gave me a clip on me I suppose.
Ian BealeDeal 
Ian WrightsLights 
Icecream freezer 
Ice Cream FreezerGeezere's not a bad old ice cream
I'm AfloatOvercoat 
Inky SmudgeJudge 
Ins and OutsSnouts (Cigarettes)ere mate, got any ins and outs? (See Salmon and Trout)
Irish JigWigI think that blokes wearing an Irish
Irish RoseNoseShe gave me a kiss on my Irish.
Iron HoofPoof (homosexual)He's a bit of an iron.
Iron TankBankHe lost his house to the iron.
Isle of WightRight  
Isle of WightLight 
Itch and ScratchMatch 
Itchy TeethBeef 
Ivory BandHand 

Jack & JillTill (Cash register)E got nicked with 'is 'ands in the old jack and jill
Jack an' DandyHandy 
Jack and DannyFannyShe's just sitting at home on her Jack and Danny
Jack and JillBill (statement)I'm going home - can I have my Jack?
Jack and JillPill (birth control)She's on the Jack
Jack and JillHillThe store is up the jack. [See also Bill]
Jack and JillTill  
Jack JonesAlone 
Jack JonesAloneHe went to the pub all Jack.
Jack JonesOwn 
Jack 'n' DannyFanny 
Jack PalanceDance 
Jack TarBar (pub)I'm off to the Jack.
Jack the DandyBrandy 
Jack the RipperStripperI love me jack the rippers
Jack the RipperKipper  
Jackie ChanScran (food)I'm Hank Marvin. I could use some top Jackie for me Michael Winner
Jacks aliveFive 
Jackson PollockBollocksThis modern art's a load of old Jacksons . Pollock is a "20th Century strange artist".
Jacobs CrackersKnackers (testicles)That toe-rag kicked me in the Jacobs
Jam JarCarBloody jam is down again.
Jam RollArseholeThat geezer is a right jam roll.
Jam TartHeart 
James DeanObscene 
Jamie RedknappCrap 
Jazz BandsHandsGet yer jazz bands off me
Jeckyll and HydeSnide'e's a bit Jeckyll
Jekyll and HydePrideYou lost your jekyll or something?
Jekyll and HydesStrides [trousers)Just bought a new pair of Jekylls
Jenny LeeKey 
Jerry CottleBottle 
Jerry O'GormanMormon  
Jim SkinnerDinnerIs my Jim ready yet?
Jimmy HillBill (statement)Have we paid the Jimmy Hill yet? . Jimmy Hill is a football pundit and former player
Jimmy HillPill 
Jimmy HillIll 
Jimmy NailHell 
Jimmy OrnerCorner 
Jimmy RiddlePiddle (urinate)I've had three pints - I could use a jimmy.
JoannaPiano ( Piana.)He sparkles on the joanna.
Jockey WhipsChipsI'll have a large plate of jockey's
Jockey's whipKip 
Joe BaxiTaxiMind if I share your Joe Baxi? Old heavyweight boxer.
Joe BlakeSteak 
Joe BlakeSnake 
Joe BrownTown 
Joe GossBossNever trust a joe .Joe Goss was a talented boxer
Joe HookBook 
Joe RookCrook 
John CleeseKeys'ave you seen me johns
John CleesePeasEat yer John Cleese - they're good for you
John CleeseCheeseI'm meeting the big John Cleese today at work
John MajorPagerMe John Major's just gone off
John MajorWager (bet) 
John O'GroatThroat'e cleared his groat whilst wiping his mincers with 'is germans
John SkinnerDinner 
John WayneTrain 
Johnnie HornerCornerI'll meet you 'round the Johnnie.
Johnny HornerCorner 
Johnny MutterButter 
Johnny VaughnYawnCan't hold back a good Johnny .Johnny Vaughn was the star of The Big Breakfast
Johnny VaughnPornI enjoy a bit of Johnny .Johnny Vaughn was the star of The Big Breakfast
Judge JulesTools 
Julian ClaryFairy 
Julius CaesarGeezerere, look at the 'ampsteads on that Julius
Jumping JackBack 

Kareem Abdul JabbarCarBloody kareem is down again. Old US baseball player.
Kate and SydneySteak and KidneyA lovely Kate and Sydney pie.
Kate KarneyArmyHe's off and joined the Kate.
Kate MossTossI couldn't give a Kate Moss.
Kate Mossed ItLost It 
Kathy BurkeWork 
Keith (Chegwin)Pregnant 
Keith DellerStella (Artois) 
Ken Boon4 Door Saloon 
Ken SmeePee 
KermitRoade took off down the kermit. From Kermit the Frog => frog and toad => road.
Kermit the FrogBog 
Kerry PackerKnackered (tired)I'm right Kerry'd - Kerry Packer is an Australian media magnate (and bleeding rich!)
Kettle and HobWatch (fob watch)That's a lovely kettle.
Kevin KeeganVegan 
Khyber PassArseStick it up your khyber.
Kick and PranceDance 
Kick StartTartIs this a lads night or are we taking the kicks
kidney punchLunch  
King LearQueer (homosexual)e's a bit King Lear.
King LearEar 
King TutGut 
Kingdom ComeBumHe just sat on his kingdom all day
King's DeathBreath 
Kitchen SinkClink (jail)After that last episode he'll be in the kitchen for a while
Kitchen SinkDrink 
Knobbly KneesKeysHave you got your knobblies with you?
Knobbly KneesPeasWe're havin' sexton and knobblies
Kungfu FighterLighter 
Kuwaity TankerWanker 

Lady from BristolPistol 
Lady GodivaFiver (5 pound note)Ere, that bloke still owes me lady!
Lager and LimeSpine 
Lamb & MintSkint 
LardsTrousers'e was caught with 'is lards down.
last card in the packSack 
Laugh and TitterBitter (Beer) 
Lee MarvinStarvin'I'm Lee Marvin.
Left in the LurchChurch 
Lemon CurdGirlfriend 
Lemon DashFlashDon't act so lemon
Lemon LimeCrimeNot one lemon reported all night
Lemon SqueesyEasy 
Lemon SqueezerGeezer 
Leo FenderBender (homosexual)That blokes a bit leo after all. Leo Fender invented the Stratocaster guitar.
Leo SayerAll Dayer (all day drinking session)Let's make it a Leo Sayer.
Lesley CrowthersTrousers 
Lester PiggotBigot 
Light and bitterShitter 
Light and DarkPark 
Lilian GishFishGood day at the stream. Got a pair of Lilian's.
Lilley & SkinnerBeginner  
Lilley and SkinnerDinner 
Lillian GishPish 
Lilly and SkinnerDinnerWhat's for lilly and skinner
Linda LusardiCardy (cardigan)Oh my God - look at that awful Linda he's wearing
Linen DraperPaper (newspaper)Has the morning linen come yet?
Ling and LingerRing on Finger 
Lionel BartFart 
Lionel BlaireFlares (wide bottom trousers)Got on his best lionels for the evening. Lionel Blaire is a performer.
Lionel BlaireNightmareI'm havin' a right lionel Lionel Blaire is a performer.
Lion's LairChairHave a lion's while you wait.
Little and LargeMarge 
Little CritterBullshitter 
Liz HurleyEarly'e's never gotten here liz
Liza MinelliTelly (TV)What's on the Liza?
Loaf of BreadHeadDon't just stand there - use your loaf.
Long Un1000 
Longers and LingersFingers 
Loop de LoopSoupNothing like a good loop on a cold day.
Lord LovelShovel 
Lord MayorSwear  
Lord of the ManorTanner 
Lords and PeersEars 
Louise WenerTenner (10 pound note)ere, lend us a louise. Louise Wener is a singer with the band Sleeper
Lousy BrownCrown  
Love and KissesMissus (Mrs)Where did your love and kisses go?
Lucy LocketPocketKeep it in your Lucy.

MacaroniPony (25 pound) 
MaccaCrapI'm off for a macca . Comes from Macaroni => pony; Pony & Trap => Crap
Mae WestBestI'm Mae West at Cockney Rhyming Slang
Magnus PikeDyke (Lesbian)She looks like a right Magnus.
Mahatma GhandiRandy 
Major StevensEvens (betting) 
Man on the MoonSpoon 
Manchester ScallyRally 
Manhole CoverBrother (bruver)My manhole cover is coming for a visit.
Mark RamprakashSlash 
Mars BarScarI fell down the apple and pears and ended up with a mars bar.
Master McGrathBra 
Matheson LangSlang (Cockney Rhyming) 
Mavis FritterShitter 
Melvyn BraggedShagged 
Melvynn BraggFag (cigarette)Oi, mate. Can I scrounge a melvynn of you
Merchant BankerWankerHe's a right merchant
Merlyn ReesPeice (lunch) 
Merry Old SoulArsehole'e's a bit of a merry old soul
Meryl StreepSleep 
Meryl StreepCheap 
metric milesPiles 
Michael CaineTrainI missed me Michael
Michael CainesStains 
Michael MilesPiles 
Michael WinnerDinnerI'm Hank Marvin. I'm ready for my Michael Winner.
Mick JaggerLagerHow about a couple of Mick Jaggers over here?
Mick MillsPills'e's always 'ad a weakness for the Mick Mills . Old footballer.
Mickey BlissPiss (Make fun of)He's always taking the mickey out of someone
Mickey DuffPuff (marijuana)Here, mate. Got any Mickey?
Mickey MostToast 
Mickey MouseHouseI'm taking my missus to the mickey tonight. Usually means a theatre.
Mickey MouseScouse 
Mickey RourkePork 
Mikkel BecksSpecs [Spectacles)Where did I put me Mikkel's? - Mikkel Beck is a footballer
Milton KeynesJeans 
Mince PiesEyesShe got beatiful minces.
Moby DickSickI'm feeling a bit Moby today.
Molly O'MorganOrgan 
Monkey WrenchWench 
Monkey's cousinDozen 
monkey's tailNail  
MoriartyPartyMental morry mate
Mork and MindyWindyCor, it's bloody mork today, shows you that the slang is constantly evolving
Mother HubbardCupboardThere's nothing in the mother.
Mother of PearlGirl 
Mother's RuinGinAnother mothers would sit well.
Mrs ChantAunt 
Mrs DuckettBucket 
Mrs. ChantAuntHe didn't know what to get his Mrs. Chant for Christmas
Mum and DadMadHe's a bit mum and dad.
Mumbley PegsLegsStand on your own mumbleys
Murray WalkerTalkerShe's a real murray just can't get her to shut up!
Mutt and JeffDeafPoor buggers mutt and jeff.
Mutter and StutterButter 
Mystic MegLeg 

Nails and TacksFax 
Nanny GoatThroatGet that down your nanny
Nanny GoatBoatI took my nanny out on the river.
Nanny GoatCoatPut your nannies on - it's taters out.
Nat King ColeDole (welfare)I've got to sign on the old Nat King
Near and FarBar (pub)I saw him at the near.
Ned KellyTelly 
Needle and PinGinI'll have a small needle and tonic.
Nelson Eddy'sReadies (pound notes)e's got a pile of nelsons!
Nelson MandelasStella (beer)A couple of nelsons please
nervo and KnoxBox  
Nervous WreckCheque 
New DelhiBelly 
Newington ButtsGuts (stomach)My newingtons are giving me some gyp today. Newington Butts known as The Elephant and Castle.
Niagara FallsBalls (testicles)I got him in his niagara's
Nifty n FriftyShifty 
Nightboat to CairoGiro 
No SurrendersSuspenders 
Noah's ArkParkI'm taking my misses to the Noah.
Noah's ArkShark 
Noah's ArkLark 
Nobby StilesPiles (hemorrhoids)Me nobbies are acting up again.
Norman WattsPots 
North and SouthMouthI gave him a punch up the north.
Nose and ChinGinI'll have a drop of nose and chin
Nuclear SubPubI'll meet you down the nuclear at 5 o'clock
Nuns 'n HabitsRabbits 
Nuremberg TrialsPilesMe Nuremberg's are really playing me up

Ocean Going SquidQuid 
Ocean PearlGirl 
Oily RagFag (cigarette)Give us an oily.
Okey DokePoke 
Old BillPolice 
Old Pot And PanHusband 
Oliver TwistFistNext thing I know he's got his Oliver in my face.
Oliver TwistPissed (drunk)I 'ad one over the eight last night and got completely Olivered.
Omar SharifGrief 
on the floorPoor  
Once a WeekCheek 
One and t'otherBrotherere's me one and t'other now.
One and two'sShoesWhere's me one 'n two's?
One Time LookerHooker 
Ones and TwosShoes 
Ooh AahStella Artois (beer)I'll have an ooh aah
Orange PeelFeelI fancy an orange of her Bristols!
Orchestra StallsBalls (testicles)He nearly got hit in the orchestra
Oxford ScholarDollarStupid horse cost me an Oxford.
Oxo cubeTube (underground) 

Pam ShriverFiver 
Pants and VestChestThis cough is killing me pants and vest
Paper HatPrat 
Paraffin LampTramp (hobo)I gave me last apple to that old paraffin
Pat and MickSick 
Pat CashSlash 
Pat MaloneAloneI'm all pat tonight.
Paul CousinsBaker's dozens 
Paul McKennaTenner (£10)I'm don to me last Paul McKenna . Paul McKenna is a famous hypnotist
Paul WellerStella (beer)Give us a Paul Weller.Stella Artois.
Pea shooterHooter (nose) 
Peanut Butter and JellyBelly 
Pear HalvedStarved"Lunch in a bit?" "Yeah, I'm a bit pear."
Pearly QueenSeen 
Peas in a PotHotDon't touch that - it's bloody peasy.
Peckham RyeTieI'm putting on me best whistle and me new peckham.
Pen and InkStinkThat's a bit of a pen and ink.
Perpetual LoserBoozer 
Persian RugsDrugs'ere mate. Got any Persians?
Pete TongWrongIt's all gone a bit Pete .Pete Tong is an English DJ
Peter PanTan 
Peter PowellTowel 
Petrol TanksYanks 
PhilharmonicGin and Tonic 
PiccadillySillyI've always said he was piccadilly
Pie and Apple ChunkDrunk 
Pie and LiquorVicar 
Pie and MashSlash (piss)I'm poppin' out for a pie and mash
Pieces of EightWeightShe'd better watch her pieces of eight
Pig's EarBeerCan I buy you a pig?
Pillar and PostGhostLooks like he's seen a pillar
Pillar and PostHostWho's the pillar and post for tonight?
Pimple and BotchScotchHe enjoys a good pimple.
Pineapple ChunkBunk (bed)I could use a couple of hours in the pineapple
Ping PongStrongI need a ping pong drink
Pinky and PerkyTurkey 
Pins & PegsLegs 
Pipe your EyeCry 
Pitch and TossBossMy bloody pitch kept me late again.
Pittsburgh SteelersPeelers (police) 
Planet of the ApesGrapes 
Plates and DishesMisses 
Plates of MeatFeetGet your plates of the table.
Pleasure and PainRainAny more pleasure and we'll be swimming.
Plimsoll MarkPark 
PlinkPlonk (Wine) 
Polo MintBint 
Pony and TrapCrapAng on, mate. Just gotta 'ave a pony.
Pope in RomeHomeLet's pop 'round his pope and fetch him.
Pope on the ropeDope 
PorcupineWineWhere's the porc waiter
Pork ChopsPigs (Police) 
Pork PiesLiesBlimey - he gets two pigs (beers) in him and he starts telling porkies.
Porridge KnifeLife (term)e's doing a stay in the porridge
Posh 'n BecksSexHad a bit of posh with the missus last night.
Posh 'n BecksDecks (turntables)Have you got yer posh 'n becks yet.
Pot and PanOld Man (Father)I was talking to me old pot just yesterday.
Pot and PanOld man (husband) 
Pot of GlueClue 
Potatoes in the mouldColdCor, taters out there init?
Prairie HatPrat 
Present and PastLast 
Prison TimeBird (Lime) 
Profit & LossBoss 

Quaker OatCoat 
Queen mumBum 
Queen's Park RangerStrangerWho's that Queen's Park Ranger standing over there?
QuidPounds (currency) 

Rabbit and PorkTalkHe's always rabbitting on about something.
Radio RentalMentalHe's a bit radio
Rainbow TroutKraut (German)Bloody rainbows beat us at football last night!
Randolph ScottSpot (acne)I've got a great big randolph on my chin
Raspberry RippleNippleLook at the thup'neys on her, raspberries like cigar buts!
Raspberry RippleCrippleThe old boy's a raspberry
Raspberry TartFartHe blew a raspberry.
Rats and MiceDice 
Ravi ShankarWankerThat referee is a right Ravi
Read and WriteFightHe'd rather read than walk away.
Red sockDock 
Reels of CottonRotten 
Reg GrundiesUndies 
Reg VarneyPakistaniMartin's new bird's a Reg.
Rex MossopGossipWhat's the latest Rex, love? Rex is an Aussie sports commentator
Rhythm and BluesShoesGet your rhythm and blues on
Richard the ThirdBirdLook what that bloody Richard's done to my car!
Richard the ThirdTurd (shit)He's a bit of a Richard.
Rick WhitterShitter (toilet or rectum)Back in a sec - I'm off to the rick. Rick Whitter is a singer in the group Shed7
Ricki LakeFake 
Riff RaffCafé (pronounced caff)I'm off to the riff raff
Rifle RangeChange 
Rink-a-dinkChink (Chinese)We're going to get rinky take-away.
Rio Grande1000 
Roast PorkFork 
Rob RoyBoy 
Robin HoodGoodThat sounds like it's robin
Rock and RollDole (welfare)e hasn't worked a day in 'is life... 'e's always been on the rock and roll.
Rockford FilesPiles (hemorrhoids)Me Jim Rockford's are giving me gip!
Rocking HorseSauce 
Rodney MarshHarsh 
Roger MooreDoor 
Roger MooreWhore 
Roger NellieTelly 
Roland JoffeCoffee 
Roller CoasterToaster 
Ronald RichesBitches 
Ronnie & Reggie (Kray)Veggie 
Ronnie BarkerMarker (pen) 
Roof RackBack 
Rory O'MooreDoor  
Rory O'MooreFloor 
Rosy LeaTeaI've just put the rosy on.
Rouf Cinque45 
Round the HousesTrouserse's got hisself a new set of round the houses
Roy Hudd'sSpuds 
Rub a DubSub (pay advance)Guvnor Give us a rub a dub till pay day.
Rub-a-dub-dubPubI'm off to the rub-a-dub-dub.
Rubber bandsHands 
Rubber DubSub 
Rubber DuckCook 
Rubber GloveLove 
Rubric's CubePube (pubic hair)When your having a shower make sure you wash your rubric's
Ruby MurrayCurryI'm going for a ruby.
Rum and CokeJoke 
Runner BeansJeans 
Russell HartyPartyI've phoned for a sherbert to take us to the Russell - Russell Harty is a TV host
Rusty NailJail 

Salmon and TroutSnout (cigarette)Ere mate, give us a salmon, I'm right out.
Salvador DaliDrink 
San MoritzShit's 
Sans Fairy AnnI don't mind 
Santa's GrottoBlotto (drunk) 
Saucepan HandleCandle 
Saucepan LidsKidsI'm forever buy clothes for the saucepan lids
Sausage and MashCashI haven't got a sausage.
Sausage and MashCrashHe was in a fearsome sausage.
Sausage RollDole (welfare)He ain't worked in years - he's on the sausage.
Sausage RollGoal 
Scapa FlowGoScapa off! Actually pronounce 'Scarper'.
Schindlers ListPissed (drunk)I'm a bit schindlers after a too many forsythes
Scooby-DooClueI haven't got a scooby
Scooby-DooSubaruLet's have a go in ya scooby-doo
Scotch MistPissed (drunk)e was completely scotch mist last night.
Scotch PegsLegsSit down and take a load off your pegs.
Scott GibbsFibs (lies)He's been telling scotts again. Scott Gibbs is a rugby star
Scott MillsPills 
Scratch yer head (Scratcher)Bed 
Screaming AliceCrystal Palace 
ScrewPrison Officer 
Sebastion CoeToe 
Septic TankYankHe's not very bright... septic, you know.
Sexton BlakeFakeHe wears a Cartier but it's a sexton.
Sexton BlakeCakeow about a nice slice of sexton?
Shake and ShiverRiverHe jumped right into the shake
Shannon TweedWeed 
Shaun RyderCider 
Shawshank RedemptionPension 
Sherbet DabCab (taxi)e's been on the sherbert for five years (driving a cab).
Sherman TankWank (masturbate)e's a right sherman
Sherman TankYank 
ShitBrace and BitJust off or a brace
ShoeScooby DooWhere are me Scooby's?
Shovel and PickNick (prison)He's spending a bit of time in the shovel.
Sieg HeilsPiles (hemorrhoids)I'll stand if you don't mind - me sieg heils are acting up today.
Sigorney WeaverBeaver 
Simon SaidDead 
Sinbad the SailorTailor 
Single FishPish 
Skin and BlisterSisterShe may be his blister but she's nothing like him.
Sky DiverFiver 
Sky RocketPocketI've got nothing in my skies.
Slay 'em in the aislesPiles (hemorrhoids)Me slay 'ems are playing me up.
Slits in a DressMess 
Snake's hissPiss 
Snow and SlushFlush 
Sock and BlisterSister 
Soldiers BoldCold 
Son 'n Daughter'dSlaughtered 
Sorry and SadBadThat dinner was a bit sorry.
Soup and GravyNavy 
SovsPounds (currency) 
Spanish ArcherElbow 
Spark and SmoulderShoulder 
Spotted DickSickWe don't have a goalie 6 John's spotted .Spotted Dick is a dessert make with raisins
Sprarsy AnnaTanner (sixpence)Lend us a sprarsy - I wanna get some toe-rags (cigarettes)
St. Martins-Le-GrandHandI had it in my St. Martins a minute ago
Stammer and StutterButterExtra stammer for me.
Stand at EaseCheeseWouldn't mind a bit of ease.
Steak & kidneySydney 
Steam TugMug (fool) 
Steffi GrafLaugh 
Steffi GrafBathI'm just going for a steffi
Steffi GrafLaughYou're having a Steffi
StenchDame Judy (Dench) 
Steve ClaridgeGarageI've just gotta go down the Steve for some petrol.
Steve McGarret50 
Steve McQueensJean'sMe new steves are a bit tight
Stevey BouldCold 
Sticky ToffeeCoffee 
Stinging nettleKettle 
Stoke on TrentBent (criminal)e's stoke he is
Stoke on TrentBent (homosexual)That bloke's a bit stoke See also 'Bent (criminal)'
Strawberry RhonePhone 
Strawberry SplitGit (twit)That bloke's a right strawberry
Strawberry TartHeart 
Suez CanalFlannel 
Sugar CandyHandy 
SupersonicTonicHow about a nice Vera and super (Gin & Tonic)
SupersonicGin and Tonic 
Swanee RiverLiverWe're having swanee for dinner again?
Sweaty SockJock (Scot)There was an Englishman, an Irishman and a sweaty on a boat...
Sweaty SockScot 
Sweeney ToddFlying SquadHere comes the Sweeney [the Flying Squad are the police]
Syrup of FigsWigWhat a syrup.

T and H8 
Talk and MutterButterWould you like some talk on your toast
Taters in the MouldCold 
Tea CaddyPaddyDid you know Kevin is a tea caddy?
Tea LeafThiefHe's always been a bit of a tea leaf. [Usually the fully slang expression is used]
Tea LeafingThieving 
Teapot LidQuidI'm down a teapot already.
Teapot LidsKidsI'm taking my little teapot to country.
Ted RayGay (homosexual)He's a bit Ted.
Telecom TowerShower 
Ten Furlongs (Mile and a quarter)WaterI'll have a gold watch and ten
Ten Speed GearsEarsLook at the size of 'is ten speeds
Tennis RacquetJacketI bought a new tennis racquet
Terry WaiteLateYou're a bit Terry Waite
Texas RangerStrangerThis pub is full of Texas Rangers these days
There you areBar 
Thirteen AmpTramp (hobo)Look at that bunch of thirteen amps over there. thirteen amps is the standard electrical receptacle in Britain
This and ThatCat 
Three Card TrickDick (penis)She couldn't keep her jazz bands off my three card trick
Three Wheel TrikeDyke (Lesbian)She's a bit of a three wheeler
Thr'penny BitTits (breasts)Look at the Thr'penny's on her.
Thumb and PinkyChinky 
tic tacSack 
Tiddley WinkDrinkJust one more tiddley and I'm off; or, He's popped down to the pub for a tiddle.
Tilbury DocksSocks 
Tin BathLaugh 
Tin FluteSuitI'll be wearing me tin flute
Tin LidsKidsI can't put me foot down without stepping on one of the tin lids.
Tin TackSack (fired)He got the tin tack the other day.
Tin TankBank 
Tit for TatHatLovely titfer.
Tit WillowPillow 
TobleroneOn My OwnHe's over there on his toblerone.
Toby AleRail'e's traveling by toby.
Toby JugMug (chump)I'm tired of people taking me for a toby
Todd SloanAloneLooks like I'm on my Todd tonight.
Todd SloaneOn your own 
Toe RagSlag (prostitute)She's a right toe rag.
Toe-RagFag (cigarette)Lend us a sprarsy - I wanna get some toe-rags.
Tom and DickSickHe's feeling a bit Tom.
Tom and JerryMerryE's a tommy bloke.
Tom FooleryJewelleryThat bloke looks a flash, look at all his tom.
Tom JonesBonesOoh, me toms are clicking.
Tom Mix6 
Tom TankWank 
Tom ThumbRumA wee bit of Tom and I'm off.
Tom TitShitI'm going for a Tom Tit.
Tom, Dick and HarryDictionaryI'll just check the meaning in the tom.
Tommy TankBankI'm going 'round the tommy to pay in a gooses.
Tommy TankWank (masturbate)She's probably at home doing a tommy.
Tommy TuckerSupperYou can sing for your Tommy.
TonicPhilharmonicI'll have a Vera and Phil (gin and tonic).
Tony BlairHair 
Tony SlatteryBattery 
Top HatChat 
Town HallsBalls 
Tramp on a benchWench 
Trap OneToilet 
Tree trunkSkunk 
Trouble and StrifeWifeI'm taking my trouble dancing tonight.
Tufnell ParkLark (fun)Always one for a tufnell.
Tumble down the sinkDrink 
Turkish BathLaughHe's havin' a turkish.
Turkish DelightShite 
Turtle DoveLoveAll right me old turtle.
Turtle Dove'sGlovesWhere's me turtle dove's.
Twist and ShoutsSproutsI love bubble and squeak made with Twist and Shouts.
Twist and TwirlGirlShe looks like a nice twist.
Two and EightState (anguish)He's in a two and eight over it.
Two Bob BitShit 
Two Fat Ladies88 
Two Little Ducks22 
Two-Bob BitsShits (diarrhoea)I've got a real case of the two-bob bits.

Uncle BertShirtI've got to press my uncle.
Uncle BillyChilly 
Uncle BobKnob'e's a bit proud of his Uncle Bob.
Uncle DickSickI can't come out tonight - I'm feeling a bit Uncle Dick.
Uncle FredBreadHey, mum. Can I have some Uncle Fred with this?
Uncle FredDead 
Uncle NedHead 
Uncle RegVeg 
Uncle SamHam 
Uncle TedBedI'm off to Uncle Ted.
Uncle TomsBombs 
Uncle WillySilly 

Valerie Singleton1 
Van Gogh EarLeft Here 
Vera LynnSkin (cigarette paper)Got any vera's?
Vera LynnGinI'll have one more Vera before I hit the frog and toad.
Vincent PriceIce 
VindalooClueHe hasn't got a bloody vinda.
Vodka and TonicVAT (value added tax) 
Von TrappeCrap 

Wallace and GromitVomitOne more pint and I'll Wallace, mate.
Wally GroutShout (round)It's your wally, mate (ie. It's your turn to buy a round of drinks).
Wally's ScarfLaughHe's having a wally.
Walter MittyTitty (breast)She's got a lovely set of walters.
Watford GapSlapI'm gonna give you a Watford 'round yer chevy.
Weakest LinkDrink 
Weasel and StoatCoatI left my weasel in the pub.
Weavers' ChairPrayerHaven't got a weaver's of getting into her alans.
WebsiteSightGet out of me website.
Weeping WillowPillowere. Get yer head off my weeping willow.
West End ThespianLesbianShe's a lovely girl but she is west end, you know.
West Ham ReservesNervese's got a bad case of the West Ham's.
Westminster AbbeyShabbyHe's turned out a bit westminster today.
Weston-Super-MareNightmareWent for an interview yesterday - it was a total Weston-Super.
Wheeltappers and ShuntersPunters 
Whiskey and SodaVoda (mobile phone) 
Whiskey MaltFault 
Whistle and FluteSuitHe bought himself a new whistle for the wedding.
White MiceIce 
Widow TwankyHanky 
Wilson PicketTicketI want to go to New York, but I can't afford the wilsons.
Wind and KiteWeb SiteCheck out me wind and kite.
Winona RyderCiderCan I get two pints of winona please.
Wobbly JellyTelly 
Wooden PlankYankThen this wooden bloke walked in.
Wooly Hat and ScarfLaugh 
Wyatt EarpBurp 

Yabba-Dabba-DooShoesNice pair of yabba's mate.
You and MeTeaFancy a cup of you and me?
You MustCrust 
You're having a GiraffeLaugh 
Yuri GellerStella 

Zig and ZagShag