About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
||The average person thinks he isn't.
||A rumor without a leg to stand on will get around some other way.
||My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.
||There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.
||The best defense against the atom bomb is not to be there when it goes off.
||It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back.
||Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
||It's a rare person who wants to hear what he doesn't want to hear.
||One of the few good things about modern times: If you die horribly on television, you will not have died in vain. You will have entertained us.
||The best way to keep one's word is not to give it.
|| Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act.
||I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
||Television – a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done.
||The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.
||People everywhere confuse what they read in newspapers with news.
||That is the greatest fallacy, the wisdom of old men. They do not grow wise. They grow careful.
||Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Parliament. But I repeat myself.
||Never confuse movement with action.
||Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
||The only sure thing about luck is that it will change.
||Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
||Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home.
||When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
||I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
||The quickest way of ending a war is to lose it.
||Every man serves a useful purpose: A miser, for example, makes a wonderful ancestor.
||Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
||Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable.
||The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.
||They call the snow leopard the ghost cat. Never lets itself be seen. Beautiful things don't ask for attention.
||I am not in this world to live up to other people's expectations, nor do I feel that the world must live up to mine.
||You never know what you have until you clean your room.
||People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
||A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.
||If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.
||If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
||If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
||Reality continues to ruin my life.
||When I was Growing up my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
||I didn't speak to my wife for a whole year. I didn't want to interrupt her.
||I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
||I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
||There are many ways of going forward, but only one way of standing still.
||The best time to plant an oak tree was twenty-five years ago. The second best time is today.
||Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is.
||Fear paints pictures of ghosts and hangs them in the gallery of ignorance.
||Reality is what it is, not what you want it to be.
||One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say.
||Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.
||If Beethoven had been killed in a plane crash at the age of 22, it would have changed the history of music... and of aviation.
||I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
||Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of a habit.
||The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'.
||All it takes is one bad day to reduce the sanest man alive to lunacy. That's how far the world is from where I am. Just one bad day.
||I would challenge you to a battle of wits but I see you are unarmed.
||Go wisely and slowly, those who rush stumble and fall.
||So strange that Autumn is so beautiful; yet everything is dying.
||You can run from death but you’ll only die tired and out of breath.
||Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
||Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
||I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks.
||Speak when you are angry--and you will make the best speech you'll ever regret.
||I know that you believe that you understood what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.
||People who have what they want are fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they really don't want it.
||To have a right to do a thing is not at all the same as to be right in doing it.
||What luck for rulers that men do not think.
||The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.
||I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs.
||Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
||Any woman who thinks the way to a man's heart is through his stomach is aiming about 10 inches too high.
||Obviously crime pays, or there'd be no crime.
||He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit.
||Guns don't kill people. People who say "Guns don't kill people" kill people. With guns.
||Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
||And remember, no matter where you go, there you are.
||The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.
||Drive-in banks were established so most of the cars today could see their real owners.
||History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon.
||As I grow older my mind doesn’t just wander, sometimes it buggers off completely.
||The reason there are so few female politicians is that it is too much trouble to put makeup on two faces.
||America believes in education: the average professor earns more money in a year than a professional athlete earns in a whole week.
||The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
||The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from.
||I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
||A lie is a lie even if everyone believes it. The truth is the truth even if nobody believes it.
||Bring me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
||They muddy the waters to make them seem deeper.
||And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.
||The world is beautiful but has a disease called man.
||If you are lonely when your alone, your in bad company.
||Only the guy who isn’t rowing has time to rock the boat.
||Men are not against you; they are merely for themselves.
||Like I always say, there's no 'I' in "team". There is a 'me', though, if you jumble it up.
||If you don't know where you are going, any road will take you there.
||Once the game is over, the King and the pawn go back in the same box.
||I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.
||Never go out to meet trouble. If you will just sit still, nine cases out of ten someone will intercept it before it reaches you.
||Many a man who falls in love with a dimple make the mistake of marrying the whole girl.
||A good listener is a good talker with a sore throat..
||The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it.
||Sometimes the facts in my head get bored and decide to take a walk in my mouth. Frequently this is a bad thing.
||It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
||No one means all he says, and yet very few say all they mean, for words are slippery and thought is viscous.
||I feel about airplanes the way I feel about diets. It seems to me they are wonderful things for other people to go on.
||Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.
||If you believe everything you read, better not read.
||Hegel was right when he said that we learn from history that man can never learn anything from history.
||There it was, hidden in alphabetical order.
||Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
||The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
||My computer beat me at chess... so I beat it at kickboxing.
||Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
||America is a country that doesn't know where it is going but is determined to set a speed record getting there.
||I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
||Television is the first truly democratic culture - the first culture available to everybody and entirely governed by what the people want. The most terrifying thing is what people do want.
||If it weren't for my lawyer, I'd still be in prison. It went a lot faster with two people digging.
||A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.
||A husband is like a fire, he goes out when unattended.
||Don't ever take a fence down until you know the reason it was put up.
||The man who can keep a secret may be wise, but he is not half as wise as the man with no secrets to keep.
||It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.
||The way out of trouble is never as simple as the way in.
||Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else.
||Morality, like art, means drawing a line someplace.
||My Karma just ran over your dogma.
||I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
||The most common reason for divorce is marriage.
||Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
||History repeats itself, and that's one of the things that's wrong with history.
||I have noticed even people who claim everything is predestined, and that we can do nothing to change it, look before they cross the road.
||Times have not become more violent. They have just become more televised.
||The really frightening thing about middle age is that you know you'll grow out of it.
||Exercise relieves stress. Nothing relieves exercise.
||Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it's just the opposite.
||I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
||Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
||I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
||After all is said and done, a lot more will be said than done.
||The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.
||Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night.
||Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody.
||Don't you wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked 'Brightness,' but it doesn't work.
||Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now blue-green meat, THAT'S bad for you!
||Free advice is worth the price.
||The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
||Remember, Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but backwards and in high heels.
||The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.
||It's a poor sort of memory that only works backward.
||O, what may man within him hide, though angel on the outward side!
||Old age is the most unexpected of all the things that happen to a man.
||You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do.
||Accident, noun.: A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better.
||If winning isn't everything, why do they keep score?
||Strong is fighting! It’s hard, and it’s painful and it’s every day.
||The hardest thing to do in this world is to live in it, be brave, live.
||Every single person down here is ignoring your pain because they are too busy with their own.
||Be careful when you fight the monsters least you become one.
||Breath through the fear and walk through the fire.
||When the world throws you a bag of lemons make lemonade.
||Stupidity knows no boundaries but it knows a lot of people.
||If I were any more open minded about the choices people around me make my whole brain would fall out.
||If tact is just not saying true stuff, I’ll pass.
||I survive because the fire inside me burns brighter than the fire around me.
||Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
||Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
||All power corrupts, but we need the electricity.
||A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.
||No weapons. No friends. No hope. Take all that away and what’s left? “Me”.
||Rock and roll is the hamburger that ate the world.
||Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.
||It had only one fault. It was kind of lousy.
||We've heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true.
||The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
||For four-fifths of our history, our planet was populated by pond scum.
||Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
||Some people are like clouds, once they disappear it’s a beautiful day.
||Stupidity comes in all shapes and sizes, some of them even look like people.
||Never forget who was there when no one else was.
||Never be a prisoner to your past, it was just a lesson not a life sentence.
||Truth is like a surgery. It hurts but it cures. Lie is like a pain killer. It gives instant relief but has side effects forever.
||If it doesn’t open it’s not your door.
||You are free to choose but you are not free from the consequences of your choice.
||You know what the issue is with this world, everyone wants a magical solution to their problems yet everyone refuses to believe in magic.
||When the root is deep there is no reason to fear the wind.
||Dead people receive more flowers than living ones because regret is stronger than gratitude.
||The best teachers are those who show you where to look but don’t tell you what to see.
||Stay away from negative people, they have a problem for every solution..
||Cry. Let the water go. You were drowning.
||I do not suffer from insanity I enjoy every minute of it.