About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
The average person thinks he isn't.
A rumor without a leg to stand on will get around some other way.
My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.
There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.
The best defense against the atom bomb is not to be there when it goes off.
It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
It's a rare person who wants to hear what he doesn't want to hear.
One of the few good things about modern times: If you die horribly on television, you will not have died in vain. You will have entertained us.
The best way to keep one's word is not to give it.
Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
Television – a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.
People everywhere confuse what they read in newspapers with news.
That is the greatest fallacy, the wisdom of old men. They do not grow wise. They grow careful.
Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Parliament. But I repeat myself.
The person who says it can’t be done should not interrupt the person doing it.
Cinderella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life.
When the phone was tied with a wire humans were free.
Nothing spoils a good story like the arrival of an eyewitness.
We can complain because a rose bushes has thorns or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses.
Do not be so open minded that your brains fall out.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
The only sure thing about luck is that it will change.
Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home.
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
The quickest way of ending a war is to lose it.
Every man serves a useful purpose: A miser, for example, makes a wonderful ancestor.
Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable.
The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.
They call the snow leopard the ghost cat. Never lets itself be seen. Beautiful things don't ask for attention.
I am not in this world to live up to other people's expectations, nor do I feel that the world must live up to mine.
You never know what you have until you clean your room.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.
If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
Reality continues to ruin my life.
When I was Growing up my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
I didn't speak to my wife for a whole year. I didn't want to interrupt her.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
There are many ways of going forward, but only one way of standing still.
The best time to plant an oak tree was twenty-five years ago. The second best time is today.
Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is.
Fear paints pictures of ghosts and hangs them in the gallery of ignorance.
Reality is what it is, not what you want it to be.
One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say.
Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.
If Beethoven had been killed in a plane crash at the age of 22, it would have changed the history of music... and of aviation.
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of a habit.
The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'.
All it takes is one bad day to reduce the sanest man alive to lunacy. That's how far the world is from where I am. Just one bad day.
I would challenge you to a battle of wits but I see you are unarmed.
Go wisely and slowly, those who rush stumble and fall.
So strange that Autumn is so beautiful; yet everything is dying.
You can run from death but you’ll only die tired and out of breath.
Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks.
Speak when you are angry--and you will make the best speech you'll ever regret.
I know that you believe that you understood what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.
People who have what they want are fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they really don't want it.
To have a right to do a thing is not at all the same as to be right in doing it.
What luck for rulers that men do not think.
The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.
I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs.
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
Any woman who thinks the way to a man's heart is through his stomach is aiming about 10 inches too high.
Obviously crime pays, or there'd be no crime.
He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit.
Guns don't kill people. People who say "Guns don't kill people" kill people. With guns.
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
And remember, no matter where you go, there you are.
The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.
Drive-in banks were established so most of the cars today could see their real owners.
History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon.
As I grow older my mind doesn’t just wander, sometimes it buggers off completely.
The reason there are so few female politicians is that it is too much trouble to put makeup on two faces.
America believes in education: the average professor earns more money in a year than a professional athlete earns in a whole week.
The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from.
I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
A lie is a lie even if everyone believes it. The truth is the truth even if nobody believes it.
Bring me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
They muddy the waters to make them seem deeper.
And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.
The world is beautiful but has a disease called man.
If you are lonely when your alone, your in bad company.
Only the guy who isn’t rowing has time to rock the boat.
Men are not against you; they are merely for themselves.
Like I always say, there's no 'I' in "team". There is a 'me', though, if you jumble it up.
If you don't know where you are going, any road will take you there.
Once the game is over, the King and the pawn go back in the same box.
I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.
Never go out to meet trouble. If you will just sit still, nine cases out of ten someone will intercept it before it reaches you.
Many a man who falls in love with a dimple make the mistake of marrying the whole girl.
A good listener is a good talker with a sore throat..
The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it.
Sometimes the facts in my head get bored and decide to take a walk in my mouth. Frequently this is a bad thing.
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
No one means all he says, and yet very few say all they mean, for words are slippery and thought is viscous.
I feel about airplanes the way I feel about diets. It seems to me they are wonderful things for other people to go on.
Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.
If you believe everything you read, better not read.
Hegel was right when he said that we learn from history that man can never learn anything from history.
There it was, hidden in alphabetical order.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
My computer beat me at chess... so I beat it at kickboxing.
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
America is a country that doesn't know where it is going but is determined to set a speed record getting there.
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
Television is the first truly democratic culture - the first culture available to everybody and entirely governed by what the people want. The most terrifying thing is what people do want.
If it weren't for my lawyer, I'd still be in prison. It went a lot faster with two people digging.
A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.
A husband is like a fire, he goes out when unattended.
Don't ever take a fence down until you know the reason it was put up.
The man who can keep a secret may be wise, but he is not half as wise as the man with no secrets to keep.
It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.
The way out of trouble is never as simple as the way in.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else.
Morality, like art, means drawing a line someplace.
My Karma just ran over your dogma.
I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
The most common reason for divorce is marriage.
Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
History repeats itself, and that's one of the things that's wrong with history.
I have noticed even people who claim everything is predestined, and that we can do nothing to change it, look before they cross the road.
Times have not become more violent. They have just become more televised.
The really frightening thing about middle age is that you know you'll grow out of it.
Exercise relieves stress. Nothing relieves exercise.
Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it's just the opposite.
I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
After all is said and done, a lot more will be said than done.
The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night.
Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody.
Don't you wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked 'Brightness,' but it doesn't work.
Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now blue-green meat, THAT'S bad for you!
Free advice is worth the price.
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
Remember, Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but backwards and in high heels.
The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.
It's a poor sort of memory that only works backward.
O, what may man within him hide, though angel on the outward side!
Old age is the most unexpected of all the things that happen to a man.
You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do.
Accident, noun.: A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better.
If winning isn't everything, why do they keep score?
Strong is fighting! It’s hard, and it’s painful and it’s every day.
The hardest thing to do in this world is to live in it, be brave, live.
Every single person down here is ignoring your pain because they are too busy with their own.
Be careful when you fight the monsters least you become one.
Breath through the fear and walk through the fire.
When the world throws you a bag of lemons make lemonade.
Stupidity knows no boundaries but it knows a lot of people.
If I were any more open minded about the choices people around me make my whole brain would fall out.
If tact is just not saying true stuff, I’ll pass.
I survive because the fire inside me burns brighter than the fire around me.
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
All power corrupts, but we need the electricity.
A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.
No weapons. No friends. No hope. Take all that away and what’s left? “Me”.
Rock and roll is the hamburger that ate the world.
Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.
It had only one fault. It was kind of lousy.
We've heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true.
The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
For four-fifths of our history, our planet was populated by pond scum.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Some people are like clouds, once they disappear it’s a beautiful day.
Stupidity comes in all shapes and sizes, some of them even look like people.
Never forget who was there when no one else was.
Never be a prisoner to your past, it was just a lesson not a life sentence.
Truth is like a surgery. It hurts but it cures. Lie is like a pain killer. It gives instant relief but has side effects forever.
If it doesn’t open it’s not your door.
You are free to choose but you are not free from the consequences of your choice.
You know what the issue is with this world, everyone wants a magical solution to their problems yet everyone refuses to believe in magic.
When the root is deep there is no reason to fear the wind.
Dead people receive more flowers than living ones because regret is stronger than gratitude.
The best teachers are those who show you where to look but don’t tell you what to see.
Stay away from negative people, they have a problem for every solution..
Cry. Let the water go. You were drowning.
I do not suffer from insanity I enjoy every minute of it.
Experience can be a brutal teacher, but we learn, God! do we learn.
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again

You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic.
Absolute faith corrupts as absolutely as absolute power.
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
I would rather have questions that can’t be answered than answers that can’t be questioned.
Children must be taught how to think, not what to think
“I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in his own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.
“With or without religion, you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion.
Eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions god’s infinite love.
I’d take the awe of understanding over the awe of ignorance any day.
You won’t burn in hell. But be nice anyway.
I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians, your Christians are so unlike your Christ. Ghandi.
“Hence today I believe I am acting in accordance with the will of the Almighty Creator”- Adolph Hitler
“I trust God speaks through me. Without that, I couldn’t do my job.”– George W. Bush.
As the caterpillar chooses the fairest leaves to lay her eggs on, so the priest lays his curse on the fairest joys.– William Blake
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?– Mark Twain
Men will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest.
Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.
The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank.
The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.
The tree that grows to heaven must send it’s roots to hell.
In heaven all the interesting people are missing.
The way to see by Faith is to shut the Eye of Reason.
The philosopher has never killed any priests, whereas the priest has killed a great many philosophers.
“I still say a church "steeple with a lightening rod on top shows a lack of confidence.
The church says the earth is flat, but I know that it is round, for I have seen the shadow on the moon, and I have more faith in a shadow than in the church. — Ferdinand Magellan
Science flies you to the moon. Religion flies you into buildings.
We are all atheists about most of the gods that humanity has ever believed in. Some of us just go one god further.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord does not work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
Do not pray in my school, and I will not think in your church.
Blind faith is an ironic gift to return to the Creator of human intelligence.
Two hands working can do more than a thousand clasped in prayer.
If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.
George Bush says he speaks to god every day, and christians love him for it. If George Bush said he spoke to god through his hair dryer, they would think he was mad. I fail to see how the addition of a hair dryer makes it any more absurd.
Eskimo: If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell? Priest: No, not if you did not know. Eskimo: Then why did you tell me?
It has served us well, this myth of Christ. Pope Leo X
Deaths in the Bible. God - 2,270,365 not including the victims of Noah`s flood, Sodom and Gomorrah, or the many plagues, famines, fiery serpents, etc because no specific numbers were given. Satan - 10.
God made me an atheist. Who are you to question his wisdom.
No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says; he is always convinced that it says what he means.
Religion has caused more misery to all of mankind in every stage of human history than any other single idea.
The biggest miracle Jesus ever performed was being a white guy in the middle east.
I’m not scared of dying, because I’m an atheist. I won’t even know I’m dead. You know why? Because I’ll be fùckin’ dead.
Operationally, God is beginning to resemble not a ruler but the last fading smile of a cosmic Cheshire cat.
Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.
Fable should be taught as fable, myth as myth, and miracles as poetic fancies. To teach superstitions as truth is horrifying. The mind of a child accepts them and only through great pain, perhaps tragedy, can the child be relieved of them. Men will fight for superstition as quickly as for the living truth.
A myth is a religion in which no one any longer believes.
All great truths begin as blasphemies.
God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness is beginning to show through.

Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Liquor is the chloroform which enables the poor man to endure the painful operation of living.
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
I’ll drink responsibly when there’s a beer called responsibly.
I know when I've had too much to drink, it's when I can't find my house and I'm sitting in the living room.
Drinking rum before 10:00 am doesn't make you an alcoholic it makes you a pirate.
I only drink twice a year, when it’s my birthday and when it’s not my birthday.
“Trust me, you can dance”. VODKA.
My glass is either half full or half empty, either way it will still hold more wine.
You can’t buy happiness but you can buy wine and that’s kind of the same thing.
I've stopped drinking, but only while I'm asleep.
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.
Work is the curse of the drinking class.

You see things; and you say, 'Why?' But I dream things that never were; and I say, "Why not?
What happens when the future has come and gone?.
Talent hits a target no one else can hit; Genius hits a target no one else can see.
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
The future, according to some scientists, will be exactly like the past, only far more expensive.
It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value.
How alone everyone is in the vast tomb of the universe!
The idea that things must have a beginning is really due to the poverty of our imagination.
It is of interest to note that while some dolphins are reported to have learned English -- up to fifty words used in correct context -- no human being has been reported to have learned dolphinese.
If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.
Time is that quality of nature which keeps events from happening all at once. Lately it doesn't seem to be working.
There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan for.
When one tugs a single thing in nature, he finds it attached to the rest of the world.
The brighter the light the darker the shadow.
There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.
When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
The reason lightning doesn't strike twice in the same place is that the same place isn't there the second time.
Irrigation of the land with seawater desalinated by fusion power is ancient. It's called 'rain'.
We hope that, when the insects take over the world, they will remember with gratitude how we took them along on all our picnics.
Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.
For a successful technology, reality must take precedence over public relations, for Nature cannot be fooled.
For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press three.
The scientific name for an animal that doesn't either run from or fight its enemies is lunch.
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can't be done.
Sometimes I think we're alone. Sometimes I think we're not. In either case, the thought is staggering.
The universe seems neither benign nor hostile, merely indifferent.
The only thing that scares me more than space aliens is the idea that there aren't any space aliens. We can't be the best that creation has to offer. I pray we're not all there is. If so, we're in big trouble.
For four-fifths of our history, our planet was populated by pond scum.
Eternity's a terrible thought. I mean, where's it all going to end?
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
You can't have light without a dark to put it in.


As I was walking up the stair.
I met a man who wasn't there.
He wasn't there again today.
I wish, I wish he'd stay away.

To see the world,
things dangerous to come to,
to see behind walls,
draw closer,
to find each other,
and to feel.
That is the purpose of life.

Isn’t it enough to see that a garden is beautiful without having to believe that there are fairies at the bottom of it too?

A wind has blown the rain away and blown the sky away and all the leaves away, and the trees stand. I think, I too, have known autumn too long.

In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language.

BUFFY: Does life ever get any easier.
GILES: What do you want me to say.
BUFFY: Lie to me.
GILES: It’s terribly simple. The good guy are always stalwart and true, the bad guys are easily distinguishable by their pointy horns and black hats and we always defeat them and save the day. No one ever dies and everybody lives happily ever after.
BUFFY: Liar.

To forgive is an act of compassion, it’s not because someone deserves it. It's because they need it.

Dear life, when I said “Can my day get any worse” it was a rhetorical question not a challenge.

CALVIN: This whole Santa Claus thing just doesn't make sense. Why all the secrecy? Why all the mystery? If the guy exists why doesn't he ever show himself and prove it? And if he doesn't exist what's the meaning of all this?
HOBBES: I dunno. Isn't this a religious holiday?
CALVIN: Yeah, but actually, I've got the same questions about God.”

Every day I tell myself I'm ok, I repeat it like a mantra, I'm ok, I'm ok, I'm ok, because I'm afraid if I stop even for a second I'll drowned in all the reasons I'm not.

You see death doesn't just happen to you. It happens to everyone around you, to all the people left standing at your funeral trying to figure out how they're going to live the rest of their live without you in it.

If this guy wants to fight with weapons, I've got it covered from A to Z. From axe to zee other axe.

I don’t want to deal with this right now. I’m taking a holiday from dealing. Happily vacationing from coping.

“I knew it! I knew it! Well, not “knew it” in the sense of having the slightest idea, but I knew there was something I didn’t know”.

She was not fragile like a flower , she was fragile like a bomb.

She slept with wolves without fear, for the wolves knew there was a lion amongst them.

I walked a mile with pleasure,
She chatted all the way,
But left me none the wiser,
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with sorrow,
And ne’er a word said she,
But, Oh! The things I learned from her,
When sorrow walked with me.

I don’t like the memories because the tears come easily, and once again I break my promise to myself this day. It,s a constant battle. A war between remembering and forgetting.

Please remember that endings are also beginnings; there’s hope in that.


When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

You can observe a lot by just watching.

It ain’t over till it’s over.

It’s like déjà vu all over again.

No one goes there nowadays, it’s too crowded.

Baseball is 90% mental and the other half is physical.

A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.

Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.

We made too many wrong mistakes.

Congratulations. I knew the record would stand until it was broken.

You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I’m not hungry enough to eat six.

You wouldn’t have won if we’d beaten you.

I usually take a two-hour nap from one to four.

Never answer an anonymous letter.

Slump? I ain’t in no slump… I just ain’t hitting.

The future ain’t what it used to be.

I tell the kids, somebody’s gotta win, somebody’s gotta lose. Just don’t fight about it. Just try to get better

It gets late early out here.

If the people don’t want to come out to the ballpark, nobody’s going to stop them.

We have deep depth.

Pair up in threes.

Why buy good luggage, you only use it when you travel.

You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.

All pitchers are liars or cry babies.

Even Napoleon had his Watergate.

Bill Dickey is learning me his experience.

He hits from both sides of the plate. He’s amphibious.

It was impossible to get a conversation going, everybody was talking too much.

WI can see how he (Sandy Koufax) won twenty-five games. What I don’t understand is how he lost five.

I don’t know (if they were men or women fans running naked across the field). They had bags over their heads.

I’m a lucky guy and I’m happy to be with the Yankees. And I want to thank everyone for making this night necessary.

I’m not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did.

In baseball, you don’t know nothing.

I never blame myself when I’m not hitting. I just blame the bat and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn’t my fault that I’m not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?

I never said most of the things I said.

It ain’t the heat, it’s the humility.

If you ask me anything I don’t know, I’m not going to answer..

I wish everybody had the drive he (Joe DiMaggio) had. He never did anything wrong on the field. I’d never seen him dive for a ball, everything was a chest-high catch, and he never walked off the field

So I’m ugly. I never saw anyone hit with his face.

Take it with a grin of salt.

(On the 1973 Mets) We were overwhelming underdogs.

The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.

Little League baseball is a very good thing because it keeps the parents off the streets.

Mickey Mantle was a very good golfer, but we weren’t allowed to play golf during the season; only at spring training.

You don’t have to swing hard to hit a home run. If you got the timing, it’ll go.

I’m lucky. Usually you’re dead to get your own museum, but I’m still alive to see mine.

If I didn’t make it in baseball, I won’t have made it workin’. I didn’t like to work.

If the world were perfect, it wouldn’t be.

A lot of guys go, ‘Hey, Yog, say a Yogi-ism.’ I tell ’em, ‘I don’t know any.’ They want me to make one up. I don’t make ’em up. I don’t even know when I say it. They’re the truth. And it is the truth. I don’t know.


I read part of it all the way through.

A hospital is no place to be sick.

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.

I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.

The only reason so many people showed up at his funeral was because they wanted to make sure he was dead.

I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs

The most important thing in acting is honesty. Once you've learned to fake that, you're in.

You ought to be able to take the bull between the teeth.

That's the way with these directors, they're always biting the hand that lays the golden egg.

What we want is a story that starts with an earthquake and works its way up to a climax.

Please write music like Wagner, only louder.

Pictures are for entertainment, messages should be delivered by Western Union.

If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive.

Spare no expense to save money on this one.

Television has raised writing to a new low.

Why should people go out and pay to see bad movies when they can stay at home and see bad television for nothing.

You've got to take the bitter with the sour.

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.

I'll give you a definite maybe.

Gentlemen, include me out.

We are dealing in facts, not realities.

The harder I work, the luckier I get.

Coffee isn't my cup of tea.

I'm willing to admit that I may not always be right, but I am never wrong.

Give me a smart idiot over a stupid genius any day.

If I look confused it’s because I’m thinking.

A wide screen just makes a bad film twice as bad.

Let's have some new clichés.

I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didn't like it.

Don't pay any attention to the critics - don't even ignore them.

The scene is dull. Tell him to put more life into his dying.

Ninety per cent of the art of living consists of getting on with people you can't stand.

I was always an independent, even when I had partners.

Modern dancing is old fashioned.

It's more than magnificent - it's mediocre.

If people don't want to go to the picture, nobody can stop them.

Our comedies are not to be laughed at.

Don't worry about the war. It's all over but the shooting.

I never put on a pair of shoes until I've worn them at least five years.

If Roosevelt were alive today, he'd turn over in his grave.

We're overpaying him, but he's worth it.

Give me a couple of years, and I'll make that actress an overnight success.

Go see it and see for yourself why you shouldn't go see it.

Color television! Bah, I won't believe it until I see it in black and white.

A bachelor's life is no life for a single man.